FDPL Feature

Today's picture. She has a guitar! Because she does, and its awesome. Also... no, its just awesome.

How to be Happy and a Good Person at the Same Time

1) How to be happy: don't think much.
2) How to be a good person: never do anything without thinking.

What, did you think it was going to be easy?

Behold, the man!

Behold the man! He is a caricature of himself
The limbs mishappen, knobbled with joints
Tumescent growths of muscle everwhere
His face and chest hairless
His stomach as ridged as the roof of his bleached mouth
Wearing a diseased smirk
Weak and clumsy

Behold the woman! She is a mockery
Her hips thin and wasted
Bulbuous breasted, rib-sunken
Plastic'ed and poisoned
Pruritan minded, artificial angst
Filthy mouthed, dull-eyed
Self righteousness

Behold the child! Innocent (ignorant)
Ignored, pitied, denigrated
Curious, uninhibited
But oh, so precocious...

Such a fast learner

Transcension

I was going to write a long and fairly impassioned (for someone with the general demeanour of a dead fish) monologue about transcending the physical and mundane and finding a new level of discourse, existence, whatever, before I realised that I would be farting against thunder. And maybe I will come back to the topic when I am feeling better and less angry, but for now, I'm going to exert some self-consciousness and talk about fitness instead.

For today, we will discuss something I read in, of all places, Men's Health: the perfect human body. Quite surprisingly for a popular magazine, the edition I held made the bold and counter-cultural claim that the young child completely at ease with his/her body has the perfect physicality. I will get to their explanation in a little bit, via a somewhat circuitous route, so bear with me, please?

Our bodies serve a variety of functions. For the moment at least I take the position of the detached observer, but we'll get into that later (or hopefully, not at all). Sometimes, and I think this is hilarious, we forget that our bodies are physical and not mental constructs. Our bodies are designed to do, and not to be. And this is from someone who goes to a gym for the sole purpose of crafting a body that is better looking, not better functioning. Thank you, I am aware of the irony.

Nevertheless, our bodies exist for us to do. Because of our strange position as largely civilised creatures, doing has become almost optional. Aside from walking, many of us use our bodies in extremely minimal ways. We tend not to carry things heavier than books, plates or clothes; instead, our arms and hands are most likely to be engaged in typing, writing, or other pursuits that are to physicality what golf is to sport. We don't even walk long distances, most of us. Public transport, or private vehicles, take away the responsibility of carrying our bodies from place to place. Engines and wheels help us in ferrying products around, letting even the terminally unfit 'carry' huge burdens of groceries, furniture, or whatever. We approach a curious position where our well-fed, pampered bodies cannot perform the basic tasks that were once necessary for our survival.

Anyway, the point is that the body is supposed to be used. And going to the gym does not count, at all. That is manufacturing, not exercise. Which brings me back to the child, running, playing, swimming, dancing. For the child, her body performs the tasks it needs to. Thought or impulse becomes action, smoothly and organically. Watch children at play, and you'll see how proficient they are with their bodies. They can bend and twist, dance, run effortlessly, swim, stretch, jump, climb. Their bodies express their desires and feelings.

So, I suppose, the lesson is this: use your body. Dance like no-one's watching, swim for the pleasure as well as the exercise, juggle and toss balls and jump and climb and crawl. Make your movement natural, balanced, and without thought.

Blah blah preach preach lecture lecture-

Poetry

I lost I lost my hand today
Where its gone I cannot say
I lost I lost my hand today

I stood on the great cliff
Casting grain onto the water
Sharks frolicked beneath

Seals feasted on kelp
Fish ate their own eyes
Cried freshwater tears

They took my ears and my voice
But I had two hands
And two feet
And one lone eye
I was a human

I lost I lost my hands today
Where they have gone I cannot say
I lost I lost my hands today
Please oh please let them stay away

I lost my humanity
I lost my hu-manity
I lost my humanity

FDPL Weekly Feature No. 2

The second picture for the week: a dakr-haired, vaguely Grecian-looking foxgirl with a spear. Awesome? Awesome.

Please send in your pictures or original artwork, I am already running out! It would be much appreciated. Just drop me a comment and I'll send you an email address to send them to, and they will appear the next week (hopefully). Have a great week folks.

Megan Fox is a Terrifying Orange Martian Lady

I don't keep up with what Hollywood thinks is hot, but the last time I checked Megan Fox was supposed to be the new hit star(let?) on the silver screen. And then I saw Transformers. And then Transformers: Screw It, Optimus Needs to be More Badass. And I need to tell you all something: Megan Fox is a terrifying alien here to suck our faces off.

No, seriously. She has a mouth like a lamprey, a smile like a clown, teeth like vulture, eyes like... well, they're fairly normal, I guess, and skin the exact colour of a roast chicken delicately glazed with apricot puree. SHE IS A HORRIFYING ORANGE PSEUDO-HUMAN. Please, please look at her objectively and you will see what I mean.

Man, I can't believe I'm writing about an effing celebrity but it needs to be said: stay away from this Playboy clone. She was maufactured on a distant planet, sent here to observe our ways, and landed in some Jersey Shore fraternity on Fake-Tan Night. She is inhuman, grotesque and must be stopped.



Saints above. She will chew your face off without a second thought.